Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Today, seemed like a very good day to finally start this blog. Don’t know why, just an irrational thought. I have a lot of those :-)
I’ve been dragging starting to write for months, wanted to change the look, than the layout, the header, finally I just settled for the default.

There’s something scary about a blank page, the first word you write ruins practically the beauty of the white space. So it has to be something meaningful, I pondered, it has to make a statement.

But it didn’t come to me, so here it is, just a start.

And that how life is, isn't it? It starts somewhere and along the way it becomes meaningful. Sometimes. Not always though. Many times you have to work very hard to make it meaningful, so sometimes you succeed and many times you fail.

But as many books that you will read on how to create a meaningful and productive life will tell you its the journey that counts not the destination. I can already tell you now that some days that statement irritates the hell out of me, but when I'm in a more peaceful relaxing, meditative state of mind I will be the first to nod and to smile knowingly. Hypocrite that I am ;-)

As of lately my life has become less meaningful, I really didn't know what to do with it. I no longer have a professional life. There are 2 reasons for that 1. Some government people who are paying my disability allowance declared me a 100% disabled because I have a rotten illness and 2. visa limitations here in the US of A prohibited me from contributing to the US tax system and to our household income. In other words people on a non-immigrant visa in the USA, accompanying their spouses are not allowed to work. So in a way me being disabled is a good thing, I don't have to get annoyed with the US regulations that forbids, mostly women, to lead meaningful productive professional lives. Saving me a lot of stress and the need to argue with clueless bureaucratic nobodies.

In the beginning when they tell you your will receive a 100% disability pension you think, 'yeah, whatever'. Somehow you don't connect the dots of receiving a disability pension with being disabled yourself. You still wake up in the morning thinking that someone has played a big joke on you and everything is going to be fine, again, somehow, sometime, one day, any day now, really! But when years pass and you do not get any better and they still tell you you're really disabled, you start to ponder if they could possibly be right. And if they're right than what the heck are you going to do with the rest of your life? What's left of it anyway.

So I've come to the point that I had to decide that I will have to accept the inevitable fact that I'm not going to wake up one morning and be magically healed. I will have to invent some new ways to give my days and life meaning. I mean reading email all day and shopping online can be fun but it gets boring very quickly. It's my hope writing about this on this blog will somehow lead me to that road that's called 'meaningful'. I looked it up on Google maps but no such road it said. So my guess is I have to invent it myself. Maybe tomorrow I should ponder about the meaning of the word meaningful. Hmm... interesting.